


Rainbows and Sunshines

by sunlightnoo



Category: ENHYPEN (Band), I-LAND (Korea TV)
Genre: Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27229036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlightnoo/pseuds/sunlightnoo
Summary: People say that sharing your first kiss with someone you love is like watching the fireworks exploding in the sky, bursting with colors and filled with excitement but if you’ll ask Jay, he’d say it’s the opposite.
Relationships: Kim Sunoo/Park Jongseong | Jay
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	Rainbows and Sunshines

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually my first time posting a story and i'm sorry in advance since i just impulsively wrote this 3 or 4 hours ago after seeing the lack of sunjay fics like whatttttttttttt
> 
> anyway !!! this is just a work of fiction, please don't take any of it too seriously :))) !!!

**Rainbows and Sunshines**

Half an hour already and he's still contemplating whether he'll step out of his car or just wait for a little more and drive away. The sunflowers on his hand is still fresh and pretty but the weather outside is gloomy, seems like it'll rain soon. _I should hurry up._

Jay wonders why he went there. It's not like he's purposely trying to hurt himself, heck, he's been trying _so hard_ to move on, but he knows that going back there is the only way to help him.

Maybe that’s why he went there.

Gripping the sunflowers in his hand tightly, he opened the door and stepped out. Cold wind hit his face almost immediately; he instantly regretted not wearing a jacket or something to protect him from this cold. Why is it gloomy and cold so suddenly anyway? As far as he remembers, it's hot and sunny earlier when he went out. _Even the weather hates me huh._

The distinct smell of medicines and chemicals attacked his nose the moment he stepped inside the building but he did not let it bother him. He’s used to it…or at least he’d like to think so.

“Jay!” he turned around to look at the person calling him although he knew who it was already.

“Soonyoung-hyung,” he greeted calmly before smiling a little.

Soonyoung walked, jogged rather, closer to him. The elder’s eyes still open wide with surprise, his mouth is parted as well. Those little details made Jay’s smile grow a little wider, he missed his hyung.

“W-what are you doing here? Not like I don’t want you here or anything, gosh, Jihoon knows how much I missed you visiting here. I’m pretty sure Minghao’s avoiding me because of my daily rants about you, y’know? I’ve been asking Jun about you too but he—” Soonyoung was cut short by Jay’s giggles, “I’m sorry, I just…you know…” he laughed awkwardly while rubbing his nape, embarrassed by his rambling.

He really missed them too. His hyungs hanging out with him after their duties, the laughs and times spent together in this hospital…he missed it. But he did not have enough courage to face them all again, not until now.

“It’s okay hyung, I really missed you all too.”

Soonyoung smiled at him, warm and welcoming as ever. “You’re planning to see him right?”

Jay nodded, “Is he awake?”

“He is, earlier. I don’t know if he is still awake, the medicines are making him drowsy you know,” the older patted his back, guiding him towards the elevator.

The two of them rode the elevator in peaceful silence.

It had been months since he last stepped in this hospital, it _almost_ feels foreign to him, though the cold and silence is achingly familiar.

He inhaled deeply, trying to calm his nerves, before letting it out slowly. Jay clenched and unclenched his right fist but immediately stopped when he realized that he’s crushing the sunflowers’ stems. He doesn’t even know why he’s so nervous, or maybe he does.

_What if he doesn’t like me now? I haven’t visited him for months, what if he thinks I abandoned him already? I am really bad at keeping pro—_

“Jay, we’re here.”

He blinked. Once. Twice. _Oh_ , they’re in front of his room already.

“Thank you hyung.”

The boy had always been bad at expressing his feelings through words but Soonyoung understands what he wanted say. “It’s fine, Jay. Just go and visit him. He really wanted to see you as well.”

Jay turned the knob and opened the door slowly, revealing the boy lying on his bed, sleeping peacefully. He’s not sure if he felt relieved, knowing that the boy is asleep. He’s afraid of how he’ll react, if he’ll be happy or not. Jay’s not sure if he wanted to know, so he just went to the bedside table and filled the empty vase there with the sunflowers he brought.

He’s not sure if an hour or a minute had passed but he just sat there near the hospital bed, observing the young kid sleeping.

“Daniel…”

Jay closed his eyes, tilting his head upwards in hopes that it’ll prevent the tears stinging in the corner of his eyes from falling.

He remembers it clearly. The day he promised him to stay by the kid’s side, no matter what happens. He promised.

He did.

_“Daniel…he’s a bright kid.”_

_Jay looked at him, confusion shown on his face._

_The younger raised his hand to cover his mouth, hiding his radiant smile, so Jay pulled it down. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t see his smile._

_“He’s a patient too,” the boy looked up at the sky, “we’re kinda similar, y’know?”_

_“How?”_

_“I don’t really view myself like this but…people say that I’m bright and funny, so I guess I am. Daniel’s like that too.”_

_He cannot help but frown by how the boy worded himself, “I told you not to think badly about yourself.”_

_“I am not!” the younger pouted at him but he maintained his stern stare. The boy rolled his eyes at him before smiling brightly, “Fine. I am cute and funny!” Jay smiled, “But this isn’t about me, okay?”_

_Jay nodded, encouraging the other to continue._

_“That kid, he’s like a happy pill. He never failed to make me smile, to make us all smile. He’s radiant and so, so positive…” he looked down at his fingers._

_Jay grabbed his hand and gave it a little squeeze. The ‘I wish, I’m like that too’ was left unsaid. But they both knew._

_“You’re my sunshine, Sunoo.”_

_The boy, Sunoo, looked up at him._

_“I’ve told you that already, right?” Jay asked, looking directly into his eyes._

_Sunoo hummed, nodding in confirmation, “Soooo many times that I’ve lost count already,” he said playfully, but Jay stayed serious._

_“I mean it,” Sunoo hummed once again, acknowledging him, “I really do.”_

_He raised their intertwined hands to his lips, gracing it a feather-light kiss, making the younger giggle at him._

_“Don’t you dare cry on me now,” he joked._

_Jay sighed, crying is what he really wanted to do right now. But he’ll try to hold it in, a little longer._

_“He’s like my brother, hyung. I love him so much, I don’t want to leave him alone.”_

_Ah. There it is. He feels the tears building up in eyes, he tried to blink it away, yet it’s so stubborn that he only succeeded on making it roll down faster. He tilted his head down to hide it from the boy._

_“Sunoo…”_

_“He has so many dreams, he tells me about it every time, before we sleep.”_

_“Sunoo…”_

_“He also had planned everything he wanted to do after getting discharged already.”_

_He grabbed Sunoo by the shoulders, facing them both towards each other._

_Silence._

_“Daniel…he’s been hiding his pain behind his smile.” Sunoo reached out to wipe the tears on his face, “He’s a strong kid. I know he’ll make it.”_

_The dam broke. He cannot hold it in anymore._

_Fresh tears and quiet sobs, he let it all out. He let himself be vulnerable. Jay doesn’t look like it, but he’s a weak, weak man._

_He wanted to say ‘you’ll make it too’ and assure the younger that he can get out of that place and they can do whatever the fuck they wanted. But he would be lying if he said that. It will make his sunshine sad and he doesn’t want that._

_But he doesn’t want to accept the reality either._

_“Jay-hyung…” Sunoo’s soft voice called him and he opened his eyes. He’s not the only one crying._

_He willed himself to calm down and listen; he’ll never know if it’ll be the last time he’ll hear the boy calling his name. It’s just a matter of time, they both know this._

_“Will you promise me one thing?”_

_With his glistening eyes and tear-stained cheeks, there’s no way Jay can deny his request. He also doesn’t trust his voice not to crack and waver so he just nodded, like his life depended on it._

_Sunoo leaned on him, “Will you promise me that you’ll stay by his side? You don’t have to stay until he’s married or he gets old or something…just…until he recovers, I guess? I don_ _—”_

_“Yes,” Jay cut him off._

_The younger seemed surprise with his sudden answer, “I’m not—”_

_“You know that I’ll do everything for you.”_

_Sunoo felt something touching his head, smiling when he realized that it’s Jay kissing his temple._

_“Even the dishes?” he tried lightening the mood._

_“Even the dishes.” His boyfriend laughed at his successful attempt._

The first time he met Daniel, call him sappy and all, but it is one of the most precious moments in his life.

_“Come on Jay! Walk faster!”_

_Jay grinned at his boyfriend, who’s whining and pouting at him right now. He always knew he is cute, but he even look impossibly cuter like this._

_Sunoo squinted his eyes at him, “You’re making fun of me,” he huffed and puffed out his cheeks._

_He cannot help but pinch his cheeks, making the other pout even more, “Why are you rushing anyway?”_

_“You’re meeting Daniel, duh!” Sunoo rolled his eyes at his boyfriend, “Should’ve known that you’re not listening to me earlier.”_

_So that’s what the boy’s telling him earlier. It really is his fault for not listening but you can’t blame him, the boy’s so enthusiastic about whatever he’s saying earlier and Jay’s too distracted by his bright smile._

_The smaller boy pulled on his wrist once more before entering a room, bringing the both of them stumbling inside._

_“Sunoo-hyung!”_

_A tall, chubby-cheeked boy greeted them with a kind smile that can probably rival the purity of an angel’s…okay, that’s an exaggeration but you know what he means._

_“Hello Daniel!” Sunoo pulled him forward, “Remember when I told you I have a boyfriend? I’m not lying!”_

_The younger boy’s eyes widened (and sparkled!) and his mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, expressing his shock._

_“He’s real? Oh my God! He’s real!” the kid laughed while Sunoo pouted._

_“You little rascal,” Sunoo pushed him towards the kid, “Anyway, Jay, meet Daniel, the human form of mischief.”_

_Jay smiled at the kid, who is almost as tall as he is (he’s actually intimidated by the younger’s height but he won’t admit it), and the younger beamed at him._

_“Hello Jay-hyung! I still cannot believe you’re real,” the younger initiated a hug that had pleasantly surprised him, ignoring the ‘hey!’ coming from Sunoo behind them._

_“I think, the two of you meeting is a bad idea. I’m regretting it all.” Sunoo placed his right hand on top of his head while falling backwards on the couch dramatically._

_Daniel immediately rushed towards him and started to cuddle up beside him, “Oh c’mon hyung,” then he proceeded to tickle the life out of his favorite hyung._

_Loud squeals and happy giggles filled the room as Jay continued to watch the two play and tease each other. It’s like looking at him and his brother, Jun, but brighter yet at the same time, sadder._

_The sudden thought had made him feel somber. As if a bucket full of iced-water was dumped on his head, he’s suddenly awake._

_He does not want to be awake._

_A flying pillow hit him square on the face, snapping him out of his dangerous thoughts. He looked up to see Daniel’s guilty face and Sunoo’s wicked smirk. No. He cannot afford to dampen this cheery mood._

_“So this is how we’ll play huh,” he said, picking up a pillow from the bed._

Jay laughed mirthlessly at the memory.

Sunoo and Daniel have always been like that, sunny and radiant. He almost wants to believe that there are two actual suns and it’s the two of them. It’s a shame that the universe had to take one down.

The very first time he saw Sunoo, he thought about how a boy who’s smile could be comparable to a sun’s shine, could possibly be in a place like that.

The first time they talked, he thought that Sunoo doesn’t belong there. He’s way too energetic and cheerful to be considered a patient there.

The time he knew he’s falling for the boy, he thought that the boy doesn’t deserve to be there, confined in his four-cornered room, waiting for the doctors to tell him about his imminent death.

He finds it funny, how life works. They really do take the good ones first.

_His heart is beating fast and it’s pounding really hard, he’s afraid that it will leap out of his chest any time from now. He took a deep breath before calling him._

_“Sunoo!”_

_The boy whipped his head, looking for the person calling for him. Jay waved his hand and Sunoo finally saw him. The younger had graced him once again with his beautiful eye smile before running straight into his arms._

_“Jay-hyung! You haven’t visited in three days, did something happen?” he asked him._

_‘yeah, I caught feelings,’ he wanted to say but no, he’s not brave enough to confess out of the blue. He needs to set the mood first. Of course, he’s a romantic like that._

_“No,” he replied instead to keep the younger from worrying, “uh, will you come with me? To the rooftop?” he asked._

_He planned on confessing on the hospital rooftop (again, of course), with all the fairy lights and candle –lit dinner. He won’t let his brother and his other hyungs’ efforts go in vain. Jay swears to god, he won’t mess up this one._

_Sunoo looks confused by his sudden eagerness to go to the rooftop but he agreed._

_Before opening the door and entering, he held Sunoo’s wrist first, preventing the male from going in first, “D-don’t freak out okay?” he stuttered, he really wanted to slap himself in the forehead right now but it will ruin the moment even more._

_“Now that you’ve said that, I think I’m going to freak out even more…”_

_Jay groaned internally, of course, he’ll find a way to mess things up. Biting his lips, he gathered up all his courage and grabbed Sunoo’s hand before dragging him inside._

_Beautiful fairy lights were hanged on the rooftop’s railings surrounding the place, giving the dim place a nice glow. There on the center is an elegant table set-up with scented candles and all those romantic stuffs with a vase filled with red roses, where his brother got all of those things is beyond him but he’s grateful. He didn’t expect his hyungs to go all out on this (you can hear Soonyoung shouting “This is your first time” from afar.)_

_“H-hyung…”_

_Jay’s attention was suddenly focused on the boy gripping the ends of his sweater tightly. The lump on his throat is back, his heart threatening to burst out once again._

_“Hmm?”_

_“Don’t play dumb on me now, okay?” he’s even more scared now, “Is this what I think it is?” there is the question._

_To be honest, Jay didn’t expect it to go this way but nothing really goes his way so where’s the surprise? He imagined his confession to be right in the middle of their dinner, with Sunoo staying oblivious to his intention until he revealed it. Obviously, he underestimated the younger’s ability to sense things. He forgot that Sunoo’s smarter than he shows._

_“Yes.”_

_“You’re confessing to me?” Sunoo asked with an incredulous expression on his face._

_“Yes,” he repeated._

_Sunoo looked down at his feet and Jay started to worry. What if the younger didn’t like him like that? He must have ruined their friendship already. He mentally slapped himself, starting to regret his decisions._

_A small quiet sob, sounded loud in the quiet place, and Jay is not even sure if it came out from him out of shame or not._

_And another. That definitely did not come out from him. He looked at the boy beside him only to see him shaking slightly._

_“S-sunoo? I’m really sorry! It’s okay if you, if you don—” he was cut off by the sudden lifeless laugh coming out from the younger._

_Finally, Sunoo looked at him and he can see his eyes, shining with crystal clear tears rolling down his face. His lips smiling but his eyes don’t look happy at all. It actually looks, almost somber…sorrowful. And Jay had decided that he doesn’t like that look on Sunoo._

_“You know that I’m basically dying right?”_

_Jay’s mouth parted in surprise. He most definitely did not expect that to come out from the boy’s mouth. It’s certainly a touchy topic that they have never talked about, and never did he imagine for the boy to open it so suddenly. All of the innocence and bubbly personality from the boy was replaced with cold and sharp ones in just a blink of an eye._

_“I know that,” Jay gulped, not knowing what to do makes him even more anxious. It’s as if everything went out of hand, he cannot control it._

_“Then why?”_

_His eyebrows knitted in confusion, “Why what?”_

_“Why would you do this?”_

_“I like you Sunoo. I really do! That’s why I’m doing this.”_

_“Why would you even like me?”_

_Jay grabbed his shoulders to face him, “What kind of question is that? What’s not to like about you? Sunoo, have you seen yourself? Have you met yourself? I don’t know how many times I’ve said this to you but even your presence give me light! And that’s why I like you! I never had anyone like that before. Nobody had ever made me feel like this before, until you came.”_

_“Hyung, I don’t deseve this. You,” Sunoo cried._

_“No. Listen, you deserve more than I could ever give. You’re more than what you think you are.”_

_“I don’t have much time…”_

_With the sudden burst of courage, he asked, “Sunoo, do you like me too?”_

_The younger stilled in his hold before nodding slowly and almost all of his worries were gone._

_“That’s all that matters to me.” He pulled the younger into a tight hug, “I don’t care how long this will last. Time doesn’t matter.”_

_He caressed the smaller boy’s face, “So what if we only have so little time left? We’ll make the most out of it anyway.”_

_He tried to smile despite the fat heavy tears falling from his eyes, making his vision go blurry. He poured the contents of his heart right in front of the boy he admires, he likes and no, he actually does not regret any of it._

_Jay leaned his face closer to him, their foreheads touching, “Please give me a chance,” he whispered._

_A smile slowly creeps up from Sunoo’s face as he closes his eyes, “Okay…” he replied softly, closing his eyes._

_He closed the gap between them, their lips touching softly and their hands intertwined with each other. A moment of bliss._

_People say that sharing your first kiss with someone you love is like watching the fireworks exploding in the sky, bursting with colors and filled with excitement but if you’ll ask Jay, he’d say it’s the opposite._

_Sharing his first kiss with Sunoo is like having a picnic by the river, calm and still yet it’s the most serene moment he had ever experienced in his life. No rushing, just smooth and slow. Like how he likes it._

_They parted from each other and he saw the sweetest thing coming in the form of Sunoo’s smile._

_“So are we—”_

_“Yeah,” he suddenly blurted out._

_“—gonna eat or something?”_

_Jay flushed in embarrassment._

_Sunoo quirked an eyebrow, a teasing smile present on his face, “I know you’re excited to call me yours but I am more interested about the food, hyung.”_

_He felt even more blood rushing to his face. How could he say that so casually! Of course it sounded nice, calling Sunoo ‘his’ but the younger’s confidence is gonna kill him. From so much joy._

_A knock was heard before Soonyoung and Jun entered._

_“C’mon now, lovebirds, sit and eat,” Jun placed the foods on the table while Soonyoung ushered them to their seats._

_He took a seat in front of Sunoo, and then he noticed the two elders sniffling quietly while arranging their foods._

_“You two…eavesdropped on us, didn’t you?” he asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion._

_Jun widened his eyes in mock surprise, “What!? No! I can’t do that! Of course not!” he pushed Soonyoung out of the rooftop, “No, no, no,” he chanted while exiting as well._

_Jay buried his face in his palms, as if he’s not embarrassing enough, his brother is never going to let him live after this._

_A soft chuckle made him lift his head up, Sunoo was right there, shoving a spoonful of rice on his mouth. He seems to be enjoying his new boyfriend’s misery._

_“Hyung, eat.”_

_Jay let out a long suffering sigh before picking up his utensils, as long as Sunoo’s happy and enjoying, he doesn’t mind doing things that will go down in his Top 10 Most Embarrassing Moments._

_He knows what he’s entering; he knows what he’s doing. And he’s ready to accept whatever the consequences are._

Jay looked at the vase at the bed side table containing the sunflowers he just brought. It’s the same one from back then. He remembers Sunoo complimenting it because he likes the color.

He shakes his head, hoping that it’ll clear his mind but his eyes saw something in the process. A white string bracelet similar to his, tied tightly on the end of Daniel’s bed.

_“Here.”_

_The white string bracelet was suddenly shoved in front of Jay’s face startled him so much that he almost fell out of his chair. He looked at Sunoo in confusion, “What’s that?”_

_Sunoo rolled his eyes, “A bracelet hyung.”_

_“I know, but what am I going to do with that?”_

_“Keep it?”_

_Jay pursed his lips, not liking where the conversation is going._

_“Why?”_

_Sunoo sighed, grabbing his wrist and tying the bracelet there, “It looks nice on you.”_

_It does, though the message that the younger’s trying to convey through it is scaring him._

_“It’s close,” he started, “I can feel it.”_

_He gulped, not knowing what to say. He wants to comfort him, tell him not to think like that like he usually does. But for some reasons he can’t._

_“It hurts hyung. Even breathing hurts, and I hate it.” Sunoo played with the strings of the bracelet. “Did you know that the doctors told me that it’s getting worse?”_

_Jay wanted to say yes, he knows, but nothing comes out from his mouth._

_“I thought they’re being mean. Saying it so casually to me, but then again, I’d rather have them hurt me with the truth than be comforted with lies,” he continued on speaking, and Jay kept listening._

_“I have accepted it already anyway,” Jay haven’t yet._

_“I have been given enough time and chances,” for Jay, it isn’t enough._

_A tear fell on his hand, “But why am I still so scared,” his voice broke._

_“If you’ll ask me 5 months ago, I’d say I don’t want to die yet. I just got together with you. We’ve only_ _been friends for what? 2 months? It isn’t enough for me yet,” more tears drop on his hand, “I don’t want to leave yet. There’s my family. There are my friends. There’s Daniel. There’s you. I don’t want to leave you all behind.”_

_“I have yet to finish my dreams. I still have a long way to go. I haven’t told you ‘I love you’ yet, have I?” Jay’s snapped his eyes open, his own tears welling._

_“Hyung, I love you so much, so much that it hurts. Thinking that I won’t be able to stay by your side,” Sunoo looked straight into his eyes, “You always tell me that I’m your sunshine but have I ever told you that you're the rainbow in my sky?”_

_“You always tell me that I give light to your life but you never heard from me how I think of you as the one who gives color to mine,” he pauses, inhaling, “I’ve always been gray, black and white. I might look bright but I‘ve been living this kind of life for long enough to drain all the colors away.”_

_Sunoo held his hand tightly, “But you gave it back, hyung.”_

_“Sunoo, I…”_

_“It had always been rain showers and storms. A series of never ending, terrifying news of my death for me. I thought it will remain that way until the end, as silly as this sounds, but when you came, it’s like the rainbow after the rain. The colors were restored.”_

_Jay was speechless, but Sunoo have a lot in his mind and he has to say it._

_“I’m so grateful hyung. That you’ve given me the chance to enjoy the little time I have left,” he sobbed, “And I’m sorry that I cannot return it. I’m sorry I’m weak.”_

_“Sunoo, stop,” he held the younger’s face between his hands, “It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault, don’t blame yourself. I chose this. I chose to be with you.”_

_“I know that this is bound to happen and I’m willing to do it over and over again if I have to,” he pulled the boy in to a hug, “So, please. Never blame yourself.”_

_“Hyung, I love you.”_

_“I love you too Sunoo.”_

_“I’m sorry it had to be this way.”_

_“If I made you happy then don’t be.”_

_Sunoo buried his face on the crook of his neck, “Keep your promise, yeah?”_

_Jay smiled, ignoring the painful clench in his chest, “I will.”_

“Hyung?”

Jay was snapped out of his reminiscing, _Daniel is awake_.

“Daniel, hey.” He stood up from the seat, walking closer to the bed.

The boy sat up on his bed, his mouth parted in shock, he hadn’t expected his hyung to visit after so long.

“You’re here,” he mumbled, “You’re actually here.”

Jay expected him to ask him to get out, lash out at him or curse him but he wasn’t prepared to see the boy to sob and cry. He rushed to his side immediately, rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort him.

“I t-thought I’ll never see you again. I thought y-you, hate me because I, I remind you of Sunoo-hyung,” he said in between his hiccups and sobs.

Jay was surprised by what the younger had said, “Daniel, I’m sorry you have thought that way. I could never hate you,” he engulfed the (now taller than him) boy into a hug.

It took 10 more minutes before the boy calmed down.

“I’m getting discharged in two weeks,” Daniel said.

Jay smiled, his eyes softening at the thought of the young kid going back to school and chasing his dreams after being confined in the hospital for so long. _He once wished for Sunoo to be given a chance like that too_. He’s happy that Daniel is finally going to be free from this place.

“I’m glad,” he really is.

The young boy smiled shyly before a sudden somber expression took over his face. Jay knows what he’s thinking.

“Everything’s going to be fine, Daniel.”

“Is it really, hyung?”

He hummed in response. Jay wants to believe that things are going to get better now.

“Do you think he’s happy up there?”

Jay let out a short laugh, “I think he’s having a blast up there. He’s finally free.”

From the windows in Daniels room, he can see that it’s raining, just like how he predicted earlier but despite the rain falling down, the sun is still shining so brightly, giving the raindrops a golden glow.

His sunshine is definitely there.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoyed it, i'm @sunlightnoo in twt and if you want, let's be moots thereヾ（ ❀◕◡◕ฺฺ ）ノ
> 
> let's support en- together !!!


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